so the truth is…i tend to have “antisocial days” where i’d much rather sit alone in my room, mope, journal, watch a movie or eat chocolate. or maybe all of the above. i don’t know why they come about…i just get them once in a while. and i’ll lock myself in my room and avoid all contact with people for as long as i can–including ignoring knocks on my door, and silencing phone calls. i think that makes me a horrible person, but it can’t really be helped. Sometimes, it helps just to be alone, especially after you’re with people day in and day out (not like that’s necessarily a bad thing).
But last time, as in, two Sundays ago, it made me even more antisocial. I got kinda sad and lonely–but i didn’t want to go out and find people. And at the same time, if they came and found me, i didn’t want them to see me all glum and depressed-like, sitting on my bed with my comforters wrapped around me, not really doing anything productive at all. So knock knock knock…and i ignore it again. And so that’s how the day went. I listened to a sermon on podcast instead of going to an actual church (ironically enough, the sermon was on physically going to church, and how your mere presence brings out things in other people that wouldn’t be seen otherwise), i journalled a little, facebooked some (boy what an addiction–although it’s losing it’s hold over me, i must say), attempted to draw a wee bit, and generally wasted my time–although that’s not as bad as it sounds.
About 10pm I had a meeting…so I HAVE to leave my room. so i get dressed–i wear a pretty shirt in hopes that maybe that will make me feel better–and trudge my way down to the basement of my dorm. Surprisingly enough, being around these people makes me feel better, even though many of them are super stressed and not very cheerful–esp since most have already been sitting in a meeting for at least an hour before hand (one girl for 11 hours before hand!). I don’t really consider myself a “people person”, i reserve that title for people like Barney, who are really friendly and can always manage to make friends given whatever situation he’s in. I’ll admit, sometimes i envy him. Plus, a little part of me thinks “people person” just sounds too happy and cutesy–something i don’t mean to be, but am generally told i am. But being around people i like (i don’t know them all that well, to be honest) does make me feel better.
I still have yet to find a best friend at NU. I feel like i’m behind in this regard, because i don’t have a girl here who really understands me, who really connects with me on a level that goes beyond what clubs or classes we’re in together, or what tv shows and movies we like. I mean, i have a number of “close” girl friends (why that’s in quotes i’m not sure but it feels right), but no one that really gets me like my friends from home. In fact, here my closest friends are guys…which, after talking with some chaps in MEIV (Multiethnic Intervarsity Christian Fellowship) can be dangerous territory indeed. (why can’t girls just start up deep conversations like guys can??) I believe in completely platonic relationships–after all, my best guy friend in highschool and i–i would never ever date him (not to say anything bad about him) we just don’t connect like that. But i guess i’m playing with fire here…although i can’t quite put my finger on why. sooner or later, i’m going to get burned somehow. But i connect better with these guys that I hang out with and talk with…maybe i just haven’t met the right girl yet. (lol sounds a bit like i’m looking for something else 😉 )
sometimes, i feel like if i lived in a diff dorm freshman year, then things would be different. Like CCI–or College of Chinese and Indians, as it’s affectionately called on campus. There’s a really tight knit group that lives over there. One that i wish i could be a part of–esp since i really think some of the girls and i really would have hit it off…but it’s almost too late now… I don’t even know how to go about finding a “best friend”…it was so easy back when…
I miss having people completely know and understand me…and even talking to my best friends from home on the phone isn’t quite the same…I dunno. I miss the way things were, even though I love meeting all these new friends here at NU. And really, i guess all i can do is continue to pray that God’ll send someone my way. But I hope she comes soon, God. I hope she comes soon.