never left

you know, in some ways, college is exactly like high school. there were things that i heard about that went on in the hallowed hallways of new trier that didn’t touch me–like smoking weed, or being suicidal, or cutting yourself, or having an eating disorder…for the most part they never hit close to home. i mean, i had doubts that so and so may have had an eating disorder…but never to such an extent that someone intervened or had to go see a therapist.

but here all of those are found in my nextdoor neighbors or hallmates alone. or chronic alcoholics.

But it all boils down to insecurities, i imagine. It seems like we have it all together, picking our majors and planning for our futures. But we’re just as scared, if not more, than we were before. We still don’t love ourselves the way we ought to, we still think we don’t look right, we still think he won’t love us for really being ourselves, or we have to do this to fit in. there’s still peer pressure to do dumb things, there’s still people worried about getting those (now) elusive A’s, there’s still people desperately–dangerously–hoping that someday they’ll look like those sickeningly thin supermodels, like Lindsay Lohan or Nicole Richie. There’s still people hoping for that golden day where “The One” will come along, sweep them off their feet, and they’ll live happily ever after (that’s me). There’s still people who think they need to be in a relationship to be fulfilled, or else they’re only part of a person. There’s still people floating adrift in this sea of “spirituality” not really committing to anything, but assuring themselves that life is for the here and now–“eat, drink, and be merry” and not think too hard about ethics and what their life is worth in the end.

I always thought college would be a time of intellectual growth, of personal growth where I’m surrounded by people who have direction, who have purpose and clarity in their lives, who don’t waste time and shave days off their life by dilly dallying, partying, or smoking (weed or tobacco, take your pick). But it’s just the same. We’re just as lost, if not more so, we’re just as delusional, if not more so, and we’re just as insecure as ever.

Nothing’s changed, even though I’m twenty years old. I’ve lived two decades and yet it feels like i’m just14.


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