inside this so called "paradise"

mood: on edge and easily annoyed


i’m in paradise. Honolulu, Hawaii, to be exact. and I am just soo….i feel like i’m having pms. it’s talking to friends on the phone and knowing that they’re not listening and they don’t exactly care about the details…all they care about is that you’re not coming. and i guess it’s because i always have an excuse for cancelling on people, which is terrible, but in the end it all boils down to the fact that i am MIA. and then other people call asking where i am when i just told so and so…and i know they’re not listening to the full story either.

but i have a good reason! family is taking priority over friends at the moment, and it makes sense since my grandfather–my last remaining grandparent is about 92 years old. I’d best better spend my last few moments in Hawaii with him, no? otherwise i’ll be sure to regret it later. and my friends are young and spritely, they’ll be around for a while. but i snapped at my dad and blamed him for making me feel guilty about wanting to spend time with my friends too. that was not so hot. that was a mistake. and again, i have an excuse. it is true that he convinced me not to go (although he would never admit to that) and it is true that even at night it is too hot for me, as one who enjoys perfect 73 degrees farenheit weather.

jintian tianqi zenmeyang?
jintian tianqi hen re!!! wo bu xihuan re de tianqi.

so i’m back to writing in my hopefully invisible blog. i actually did manage to locate my aged journal which has been MIA for about…6 months or so. okay, more like 4 or verging on 5. but quite some time, if you ask me. and much has happened.

my heart has grown colder and more bitter, i can tell. this must be remedied with some hard prayer and time spend in the word. i think lack of reflection will do that to me because all my stupid insignificant feelings that are irrational take center stage and i never get the chance to think them through and realize how selfish they really are unless i sit down and get those words flowing. (note to self: don’t do that again) so here i am. send me! yes, i do need to get right with God. I am far from that, and i’m supposed to be a small group leader next year?! as in…in three weeks~!?!?!? oh God, please help me! and fast! i need some major overhauling. summer makes me so far from God, when really it’s the best time to dig into the word and prepare my heart for what’s coming up. but i am just…so judgemental right now. and i feel like blame is being placed on me that is not mine to bear. but rather than wallow in self pity right now, which is what i love to do but does absolutely nothing good for me…i need to change my heart. cross that. i need God to change my heart.

and i do swallow sorrow…that i need to learn to let go of as well.

‘ For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord.
‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’
” Jeremiah 29:11

thank goodness someone else has the reigns and knows where to go.

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