so i guess i only write in here when times are hard.
and for a while, i thought my family was finally getting along. my dad and i came home on saturday morning from a vacation, and then my dad came home yesterday from another business trip (he flew out again on saturday) and they didn’t argue.
all they do is argue now. at least once or twice a week they get in this fight where my mom ends up yelling and my dad gets this firm voice where you can tell he’s upset. they can’t have a normal conversation anymore, and i’m always on the lookout for warning signs of a storm brewing. and don’t worry, they’re already divorced, so i’ve already gone through that bit of hell. but it doesn’t end just because it’s finalized on paper. they still live in the same house, not because they like each other, not because they’ve gotten used to living together (because my mom used to take business trips so she wasn’t home anyway), but i think out of some sort of financial agreement or something. so they’re divorced, and they’re living together. doesn’t make sense to me either.
but this is the way the world looks to me. and i’ve tried to figure out how to get some support from the Christian community about living with a broken family, but i don’t think they like to talk about it much because technically, there isn’t supposed to be divorce in a Christian house unless one of the partners is unfaithful. but it happens! and i can’t find a single online source or some sort of community where i can turn to. even my friends at church or at my college fellowship cant really understand because as far as i know, all of their parents are still married, with the exception of one kind of ugly-church ppl like to talk-marriage before my parents that ended. but i’m not really close to anyone in that family so it’s kinda hard to talk to them.
it’s like…i think i’ve come to terms with it all, i think i’ve found my peace, and then they go and argue again–they dont’ even try to hide it anymore, in fact, my mom likes to tell me what they’re arguing about so that i can pick her side; and that just throws it all back in my face. i can’t live like this anymore, and i hate it. for a long time now i’ve struggled with why God placed me in this family. Why God put me in a home with a mother and a father who don’t love each other, who argue and can’t stand each other, and who make life unbearable at times. who push me to excel and berate me when i fail.
i love my dad, and at times i love my mom…but i just can’t talk to her. she can’t say “I’m sorry”. and i look at shows like “Gilmore Girls” or even my friends and their mothers, mothers who are like a best friend to their daughter. who don’t push them to do something productive every summer, who encourage their daughters (i get the “i know you can do it” kinda thing, but it looks more like an assumption of success to me…) to achieve not only academically, but spiritually as well. sometimes it feels like i live in a non-Christian home. which is a terrible thing to say, but i can’t help the way i feel. i’m pretty sure that if i didn’t expect my dad to go to church, he wouldn’t. and my mom stopped going to church yeearrrs ago. but i’ll save church politics and all that lovely stuff for some other time.
if anyone knows of a resource that could help…or of people who are in my situation…please let me know.
and i know there’s worse out there, i was talking to someone that i’d just met on sunday and he was really pouring his heart out about depression and how God was his only stronghold, the only thing that was carrying him through life. and this is a kid who has beaten a brain tumor! *sigh* the world is certainly in need of a savior. if only Jesus would come back sooner.