So it’s not perfect. But it’s good.
Eddy arranged a meeting with me to talk about SG stuff…and we ended up having a really good conversation. He told me that he’s depressed, and that he goes to CAPS for counseling, although he told me that by no means was that a magic wand. And a lot of it stems from just being at Northwestern, he said that he’s never really been able to flourish and thrive here, but he’s always just managed to “get by”…sometimes not even. To cope, a lot of times he isolates himself, although he knows that being with people helps, and doing devotionals helps…but he’s not comfortable asking people for help, and he’s not even comfortable asking God for help, which is why sometimes he wishes that god wouldn’t even love him, so that he wouldn’t feel the pressure to reach out to God during these times. And he knows he should be joyful based on the mere fact that God loves him…but he’s not. And sometimes it’s even hard for him to accept God’s love at all. And if he can’t accept God’s love, then how can he expect himself to love other people?
And he actually apologized to ME for doing the bare minimum–leading Bible study, meeting up with JJ, and then leaving the rest to me, to support people, make sure they feel cared for and loved and prayed for. He knows that SG is more than just Bible Study, and he actually apologized because he thought that he was only being a BSL, not an SGL. Wow. I couldn’t believe that he felt that way, but he did. And he apologized.
And I apologized first for leaving him to do all the BSL stuff, and not doing any of that! But he said it comes naturally to him, and caring for people comes naturally to me, so I guess we worked out well on that front 🙂
I asked him about the whole Josh thing, and he told me basically everything that I’ve been feeling recently about Josh. He’s very opinionated, stubborn, and he tends to think that he’s right about 95% of the time. And he will argue with you until you agree with him, or you simply agree to disagree. Eddy told me that he and Josh were used to butting heads, and that they simply grew together, upwards, by butting heads all the time. And they still operate like that. Eddy told me that Josh, being a BSL, only sees small group in terms of Bible Study, and that’s why Josh told Eddy that he was surprised that I haven’t led at all, because to him, leading small group equals leading Bible Study. And I suspected that, but to have Eddy repeat it to me and just say exactly what I was thinking…I have no words for how much that meant to me. And he doesn’t see people for people…he’s not the caring and concerned type, he’s the business man who wants things to run smoothly and efficiently, as shown by his enthusiasm for being done with leadership selection in one hour. He tends to assume that everyone agrees with him. Eddy told me that when I meet with him, I need to really stand my ground and MAKE him understand where I’m coming from, MAKE him see that my point about support is relevant too. I have to be willing to NOT back down, willing to butt heads with Josh. Because apparently that’s how lots of his friendships go. LOL But oh man, just hearing those words come out of Eddy’s mouth was like a breath of fresh air. Wow.
I know it’s going to be hard. Lisa understands where I’m coming from but doesn’t really want to change the schedule to fit in support stuff…and I know Josh had no qualms about her schedule too. So I’m really going to have to fight for this. And I feel so strongly about it, that I know God is going to make it happen. Thank you, God, because I can’t win this fight on my own. But I know, more than ever, that support is something that is so integral to leading and simply being in community. we need to build each other up (eph 4:29, anyone?)
And that really affirms me, just knowing that Eddy sees what I do as an SGL, and that he apologized for only leading bible study…I just…God is so faithful, even when we think the problems and the hurt are gone and healed. Especially…just hearing what Eddy thought of Josh…I knew that my judgements were sound…that who I thought he was is truly who Josh is to his friends. That doesn’t make it any easier to deal with…that doesn’t mean it’s going to be any easier to work with him, but I know that I see him as he is. Josh even said himself that he saw these ppl on leadership as numbers, and not as people with gifts, and that’s something he needs to work on. I think humility is the key.
Eddy didn’t even pressure me to lead the last two SGs. He said that he’s more than happy to do it, but he wants me to know that he’s willing to hand SG over to me if that’s what I want too. Today I just really really saw Eddy in a new light…I kind of held him up on this pedestal–seeing that he met and connected with JJ, and then leading Bible Study, I thought he was a really good SGL. And he is, no doubt. And I knew he had a heart for prayer, and a heart for Justice…he just seemed like this perfect guy that struggled with academics, but don’t we all? But we all have our issues, we all need to rely upon one another. And he was just so sweet. He even made a joke that all the guys stuck with SG because I’m gorgeous. lol and he said something about how my joy was something good…i don’t remember exactly what.
But as much as I liked Eddy before, i LOVE eddy now. He is just…so open, and honest, and I just…I want to hug him. lol i really do 🙂
so i remembered today about the whole meiv serenade thing and that made me melt. 🙂 and i went to his and zhen’s 1pm chinese class today because I slept though mine, and he was one of the last ppl out of the room, and i was the very last person (intentionally to see what he would do 😉 ). And he waited!!!! He stood outside the classroom kind of hiding behind the door, and then he popped out and asked me something about if i was going to keep coming to this section or something….but i dunno. it was nice, and we walked down the hall and down the stairs and out kresge…just talking and laughing. we didnt’ talk about much, and i did most of the laughing (would it be any other way? lol) but it was good. It was nice. Just to talk to him. Spend a little more time with him. And he IS staying here this summer!!! lol i guess we’ll see what God has in store for us. But I dunno…yeah, we’ll see. 🙂
Also, I have a lot to post about LG tonight. I will get to that soon. but once again…to bed with me 🙂 goodnight.