so close to that famous happy ending…

When I think about Vision Team, when I think about all the decisions we have to make and how it affects those in the chapter–both the graduating seniors, the current Juniors, Sophomores, and Freshmen…I feel as though I’m trudging through mud. Like every step I take is just so…laden with burden and weighed down by the tradition, the emotions, the hurt feelings, the broken relationships, the memories of how “things used to be”, the personal issues. Where is God in all of this?? Where is the God that I know, the God that leads be beside still waters, the God that restores my soul, the God that never leaves and is always faithful? Where is MY God in all of this human crap?? Where is the voice of my father? Where is his guidance? Where is his glory? Where is his vision?? Why do I feel like every move we make, every decision, every opinion that we share, is just so chained down by our humanity? Our insecurities, our pride, our agenda. Why are we talking about each other? Why are we asking how other people feel?? Why aren’t we just seeking out God’s will, regardless of how we feel, regardless of what we think is right in our minds, in our memories? Whatever God’s will is, whatever he wants for our chapter, that’s the ONLY way we should follow. And I feel like right now…we’re just so, resistant to each other, so determined to disagree, to pick sides, that this division is just clouding our ears and eyes. We need prayer more than ever. We can’t keep talking about how we feel, what we think, what the freshmen think, we need Divine Intervention. Divine Guidance and Vision. And that comes from only one place. From our Heavenly Father, from our Redeemer, our Savior, our Light and Love.

Journalling is one of the only times when I feel as though I can think and see clearly. That, and prayer. Because all we do in prayer is praise and ask and wait and listen.

And I guess the shallow part of me wants to record other things as well.

like about him. And how God’s still pulling these funny little tricks on me…Wednesday I went to Whole foods to get Amy Chen the flowers that she deserves for being so wonderful. And I bumped into Lauren on the way out, and inadvertantly we ended up talking about Amy Chen and Bradford and how cute they are together. And she was so happy because Amy and Bradford are both really NICE people, really GOOD people, you know? And that makes her happy to see couples like that. So she told me that I should date. That I should date….him! Because we’d be really cute together since we’re both so nice.

And during our Spring Celebration, his singing debut…what song did he do? Oh, that’s right. The one that I have set as my text message reminder. Huh. Thanks God, you’re a funny one. lol So now every time I get a text…

But at the same time…it’s just so awkward…Like, Zhen and I were having dinner on Thursday, and he walked by us in Norris, and didn’t say anything. And then he walked out of Norris, and again, he didn’t say anything. I saw him in the background because I was looking at Zhen, and he was walking past us behind her…and I felt like (I think) he kept glancing our way so that if he and I made eye contact, he would say hi. But to no avail. I determindly didn’t look at him. And so he never stopped by to say hi. And I know he saw us, because we were right in front of the staircase in the basement of Norris, first table, first row. And he knows us both, it’s not like he ought to feel strange saying hello.

And last night, when we all went to Clarkes, he ended up sitting at my table, and eating some of my ice cream…and it was just so…I couldn’t even start a conversation with him. And Euge showed him the video that I took of him singing. And even when he did jump into the conversation, I’m just such a baboon that I really couldn’t…I just can’t…*sigh* And really, what’s my problem? If this is how it’s supposed to be…if he’s the one that I’m supposed to…and I mean, odds are, he’s not. but then why do I still like him? It’s been nearly 1.5 years already, can’t I just get over him? Can’t I just stop, and give up, like everyone else who’s come before him? What benefit does this do for me, what do I learn from this experience? What kind of glory does God get out of this? What’s the point? Because I know, with matters of the heart, I know that God is in this. That God’s presence is there ahead of me, in whatever happens. And I know that God is in the details, that nothing is too insignificant because every experience shapes us, for better or for worse, every experience tells us something, teaches us, stretches us. So what’s the lesson of this one? That I don’t get everything that I want? That somethings are just longings…for long periods of time…and those longings are just…pain in the end? Is that the ending that I have to look forward to? Is that the ending I’m supposed to anticipate? If it is, I don’t want this. I give this up gladly to you with open hands, God. This is yours for the taking. i’ve learned my lesson, this has happened to me before, and I don’t need to learn the lesson twice. I got it the first time, God. Mike wasn’t for me, even though we both liked each other. He wasn’t the one that you’ve called me to, the one that you have waiting for me. And so I gave him up God, I did it. I learned from it, and i don’t regret it, not really. Because from this side of the fence, it’s so clear that it would have been a bad move.  But what about him??

Can you just take it away God? I don’t want it anymore. I really don’t…things like these…they always end painfully. they always end with tears and disappointment, and I can’t take another one of those just yet. I’ll follow you if you tell me to give it up, God, but I know it’s going to be painful.  I’m not strong enough to have hope and end up alone again, God. And I know, to look to you, to find my completion in you, to find you as my center, to not need the affirmation of people here, to know that you find me captivating and that alone is enough. I know those things, God. I know you ought to be my yearning, my desire, the lover of my soul. So can we please move past this? And soon? God, I can’t take more of this awkwardness. I can’t take more of this… “the way it used to be”…

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