starting a new life

there have been many things to celebrate lately.

okay, so first,  i noticed that lately, there have been SO MANY MORE asian actors and actresses on the screen!  they’re not necessarily in sitcoms and stuff yet, but commercials are definitely having more asians repping the products, and there have been more asian hosts (particularly asian women–top chef on bravo and some other show like what not to wear)  and also, my friend byron is going to try to make it as an actor!  i’m so excited for him! 🙂

and while i think we have a long way to go…i’m excited 🙂  it’s the beginning.

and secondly, i’m going through this whole fundraising process…and I really want to tell people this but i feel as though i can’t really (hence, putting it out here)…but God truly provides.  So my friend and I started looking at apartments, and within one week, we’d added another roommate and also started the application process on a place.  It was that fast.  And along with the application process comes the security deposit and the first month’s rent.  that was about $800 or so right out of my pocket.  Wow.  even looking at that number now, I’m pretty stunned at how much money i’ll never get back.  And I was afraid–I didn’t have that much money in savings, and so I called my mom.  I had said just minutes before how great it was that parents are like no-interest bankers–how naive and selfish of me!!!  when I started talking to my mom, I asked her if she’d be able to help me out in buying furniture and paying my first security deposit, etc.  And I told her I’d pay her back as soon as my paychecks became secure.  But then little did i know….that along with graduation, along with choosing to live in the city comes financial independence.  and i’m saying that euphemistically.

and so i learned in a hurry–my safety net just fell out from under me.  And I started crying right there with my roommates in the same room.  my new roommates that I would be sharing an apartment with, my new roommates that relied on me to pay my third of our bills.  because I didn’t know what to do.  I only had so much in savings, only a little bit over what I needed for security deposit and first month’s rent.  And what was I going to do once all my savings were gone?  How was I going to buy furniture, how was I going to pay for the next month’s rent??

Praise God that I’m living in Christian community.  My roommates understood.  And we’re all trying ot make this on our own.  Or at least, as much as we can.  We dont’ want to live as a star…we’re learning how to be a square…or a circle.  But it’s true…probably if we wound up on extremely dire circumstances, our parents wouldn’t let us fail….our parents would help us out in times of utmost need.  And for that, we will always be part of the star community.  We’re trying to live paycheck to paycheck…but it’s not enough.  We will always have that safety net behind us (or at least, that’s the way I think now…it may not necessarily be true.  our parents may not be there to bail us out when we really fall deep into financial difficulties…but in our minds we have peace because we think that’s true).  And so they offerened to help me if it ever came down to me not being able to pay my rent.  they offered to chip in if I ever needed it, and then be paid back later.  And one of them knew exactly what it was like to be…financially independent.

So i’m carrying on with this new found sense of independence.  And i don’t know if i’ll sink or swim.  But by God’s grace, I know he’ll be there every step of the way.  And I’ll try to do my best to honor him in all things.

But in any case…so I was extremely upset, and I didn’t know waht to do.  i couldtn’ back out on my apartmentmates….I had just signed up to live with them.  in contract.  And I wanted to.  I wanted to live incarnationally in a new community full of people that were different from me in more ways than one.  I wanted to get to know my fellow sisters better.  I wanted to live by my fellow brothers.  And I think this is a necessary step for me to learn how to be a good steward of my finances, to learn how to live independently….and learning to trust God.  with everything.  with my relationship with my mother–to know that he’s there in the midst of it–with my finances–to know that he is my sole provider, not my parents or my boss–with fundraising for my job–with relationships with my roommates….everything.  everything.  He knew I would end up living in this apartment, he knew I would end up living with my roomies, he knew what my finances would look like…and he’s right there in the midst of it all.  He’s beside me every step of the way.  And for that….what do I have to fear?  And i so I asked my roomies to pray with me and for me…and I asked my fellow staffer to pray for me….and I was terrified of what would happen financially….but at the same time, I was at peace.  I think I was more upset over the shock of it all….over hearing my mom be so final and definitive…and not knowing what the future would look like…but I knew God would work it all out.  somehow.  SOMEHOW.

so I paid my rent.  and my security deposit.  I used about 75% of my savings to do so.  Praise God i had those savings to start out with!!

And lo and behold….come graduation…my aunt, uncle, and grandfather all give me graduation gifts.  And it’s just enough to pay for rent for the entire year.  It’s one of those things thats clearly God.  It’s not enough to cover for utilities, or for groceries, or for gas or other expenses…but for my needs…it’s enough.  Now, I hope that I don’t need to use it, but already….as September looms ever closer…second month’s rent?  It’s coming out of those gifts that God provided.  And some is coming out of summer income (not very significant though).

And I put the majority of that money into a cd.  that i can’t touch.  for a year.  Was that smart?  or wise?  Im not sure just yet.  But I still have faith that God will provide.  It may be cutting it close, It may look like living paycheck to paycheck…but It’s really living day to day on faith.  And though it may not look very different to the world…there is a big difference.  My faith is not in my boss, or the accountant who writes up paychecks…my faith is in my God, the one who breathed life that that accountant….and he’s the same God who clothes the lilies and feeds the birds.    Who am I to worry?

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