It’s been so long since I’ve written anything of substance here. And by substance, I mean pinning down the floating ideas and images that seem to form themselves in the shadows of my memories, those wisps that anchor themselves in reality as they intertwine with the worries and hopes of tomorrow. The kind of writing that reminds me that I exist as a singular person, with experiences and the potential of burgeoning wisdom to claim as my own.
I think the reason why is just that once again, like characters from a Tolstoy novel, I have just allowed myself to run on autopilot, coasting from one day to the next, heedless of the signs warning of twisting roads or steep cliffs. I don’t stop to think of consequences, nor do I wonder where this road is taking me, until I start veering too close to the edge or too close to the median, and the rumble strip is there to jolt me from my passive existence and abruptly bring me back to my senses. Thankfully God knows when to send the rumble.
I do worry sometimes though, that I’ve missed my exit and am currently careening down a path with only a missed destination behind me, and nothing before me. But thankfully I’m then reminded of the iron promises of a faithful God, who tells me that he knows me and that he has plans to give me a hope and a future. He reminds me that each day is a new blessing, a new moment of grace to breathe and rest in. I can feel the stress of work, obligations from graduate school, coursework pressing in against me, threatening to crush me like a jar of clay, but yet he allows me periods of calm and peace. I don’t know when the tomorrows will end, and at this point in my life neither do I stake much residence in the ideas of concrete career or family (for what do I know? in any case, the future seems as certain and clear as a distant lighthouse veiled by fog and night). So for now, I’m content to be where I am, taking each day as it comes, because he knows what the space between sunrise and sunset holds, and he, thankfully, is the author of my life’s story.