Fear: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real orimagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
Synonyms: foreboding, apprehension,consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation, qualm.
Antonyms: courage,security, calm, intrepidity.
The third of this dictionary series.
These past six months have been absurd. Filled with quick blushes, fluttering hearts, and alabaster jars full of tears. As a twenty six year old who has never been in a relationship, these past six months were full of uncertainty, excitement, and revelations, as for the first time, I was “seeing someone”.
He came out of nowhere. I was happy being single, busy with friends, school, research, and church. I had just come back from Urbana, InterVarsity’s amazing missions conference, where the Lord reminded me that he has a perfect plan, a me-shaped dream that is part of his plan in restoring the world. He reminded me that he made me, down to the interests and specific experiences that I’ve had in my life, and nothing, nothing goes wasted under his watch. He is a purposeful God.
So coming off this conference high, my friends told me that they were speaking to this guy about me, and suggesting that we meet. They’d been talking to him for months, and he was asking my best friend tons of questions about me to see whether he wanted to take a risk and meet me. Eventually, he decided that he would jump, and he asked me out to coffee in mid January.
We met once a week, no more, no less. And we tried to keep the boundaries platonic. Ever since our second meeting, we always went dutch, and physically we did nothing–not even holding hands. But over time, he found me making my way into his heart, and eventually, I found him in mine. As cliche as it was, things happened so quickly. He told me in early March that he “liked [me], and really enjoyed spending time together”. And in early April, I tried ungracefully to tell him the same–“soooyanothatsongthatsplayinginthatsceneinbeautyandthebeastwheretheyrethrowingsnowballsateachother?yeaaah,ithinkthatswhereimat.” Hahaha 🙂 But he graciously let me express myself in the only way that I could.
We went and found new restaurants together through yelp, we fast danced (me awkwardly) at the Navy’s Anniversary Ball, and we sat beneath the shade of trees and talked for hours, often spending a quarter of a day together. Restaurants would close, but our conversations would continue as we strolled along the Ala Wai canal, or sat in a car.
He believes in one of those Christian alternatives to dating–dating with friendship at the forefront and marriage in mind, then once he knew that I would be the one, he would propose, and then pursue until I said yes. It’s modeled after Christ’s pursuit of our own hearts–a commitment to loving us that inspired and motivated the greatest act of love known to mankind. Commitment first, pursuit second. And although I struggled (and quite frankly was frustrated) with wanting a traditional relationship where pursuit and romance happens at the onset of emotions, I respected his conviction and I admired that his eyes were focused on the cross.
Being in the Navy, he would occasionally be gone, disappearing into a submarine for weeks at a time, and communication was spotty and via email at best. But we made it through, with biblical encouragement and the cds of worship songs he’d make me. His last underway was most difficult, I was so used to texting him every day, and that morning he’d sent me a text, facebook message, and email, so every line of communication that I had was another reminder that he would be gone for 21 days. And I actually was counting them down one by one in the beginning, because I missed him so.
But while he was gone, I was praying with open hands, asking the Lord what he would want from us. Specifically, “What should we do, Lord?” And behold, I heard “Break up.” Over the course of a few weeks, I’d press the question again twice after that, not believing what I’d heard, and honestly not wanting it to be true. So finally, when I heard it a third time, I began asking the Lord for confirmation–through scripture, through quiet times, through anything, but specifically, I asked that my friend Jeannie, who had always been so supportive of us, would confirm what I’d heard.
The Lord provided. Be careful what you pray for, because He is a God who answers.
Since we stopped dating, the tears just won’t stop coming. I sobbed in the beginning, and I just had no words to say to anyone, including God. It was all I could do to just sit there with Him in my car, watching the sun sink over the Honolulu skyline, and know that He hears and He was with me.
Through this time though, God has taught me so much. I’ve begun to read books on Guidance, Finding God’s Will, listening to sermons on singleness and listening in silence…and through it God has shown me much.
We all want God to tell us what to do. We all want God to simply save us the pain and the struggle of figuring things out for ourselves, because we know that his plans are infinitely better than ours. That his plans lead to his glory. And who wouldn’t want to take a shortcut to get there? Why bother with my own plans and my own desires when i know my heart is sinful, and when I know that whatever he wants is best for me?
Because he wants you to be an autonomous being that is both fully you and fully submitted to him. Just as he didn’t force you to choose him, he will not and does not want you to just be a puppet who does whatever He wants. In a sermon by Tim Keller, he provided this illustration:
Imagine you’re a parent. And your five year old asks you for permission to go out and play. “Of course,” you say. “But be back home by five, because your mother and I are cooking dinner.” Now imagine that it’s 15 years later, and your 20 year old calls and says “Hi Dad, my friends are playing frisbee at the park, is it ok if I go play with them?” You’re dumbfounded. “You’re 20 years old! You know your workload, you know how much time you can afford to spend with your friends. You don’t need to ask me, you can decide for yourself.”
The greatest lessons are learned through living, not told by word of mouth. Did you come to believe that God loves you because you heard it week after week in a building with a steeple, or did you come to know that God loves you because you had an undeniable experience where his love completely overwhelmed you like the flood of rushing waters? Did you come to know that you are a sinner because people with picket signs pointed their fingers and accused you, or did you come to find you’re a sinner because you were shown a mirror and saw the depth of depravity within your own soul that looks so shiny and good from the outside?
Likewise, God’s guidance, his wisdom comes through learning. Learning to listen for the promptings of the Spirit, and learning to walk in ways that are just and true.
Of course, when you’re making difficult decisions that have nothing to do with morality (for those, the answer is in God’s word), things get complicated. What job to take, what school to go to, who we should marry, we often turn to God for guidance and for direction for these. As we should. There are certainly better options, and there are worse options. Prayer, wisdom, and countenance of friends are certainly necessary.
But to ask God directly for what He wants, I think we need to examine our hearts for why we ask this question. Sometimes the way just doesn’t seem clear. And any of the options before you seem good, so therefore you really want to inquire of the Lord and make an informed decision. And often times, he may just tell us to choose.
Sometimes, however, we ask the Lord what he wants because we’re afraid. We fear making the wrong choice, because we’re afraid of the consequences. We don’t want to pick the path less traveled by and come to find it’s full of thorns and wild beasts waiting to devour us. It may seem like the holy way to go, inquiring of the Lord. But your heart is quaking in fear. You’d rather He just make the decision because then there’s no responsibility on your part–God told you do this. And if God told you to do it, it must be good!
Remember, God is a God who answers prayers.
When I asked the Lord what to do with this man, I was in the second boat. Not only did I fear the consequences of my actions, but I honestly thought that if God made the decision and told me what to do, then I would follow, and I hoped that it would expedite his glory. God, you, me, and the right person, we’ll make a good team one day. So if he is the one, tell me to get a move on and climb aboard. Silly me. Expedite his glory. As if such a thing exists! The rocks cry out day and night with the sound of his praises! As if I could delay his glory by making the wrong choice. As if I had any power to do such a thing, as if such a thing could even happen! The Lord will be glorified in our sin or in our worship, it’s simply our choice.
But the Lord convicted me today that I asked him what to do out of fear. He in his grace, answered anyway. I was afraid because I knew that he was close to a proposal. I was afraid because if it turns out I don’t want to marry him, I didn’t want to hurt him. I was afraid because if I don’t want to marry him, I may end up alone forever. I was afraid because if he didn’t want to marry me, I would be heartbroken. I was afraid because deep down inside marriage scares me. I was afraid because my parents are divorced, I’ve never seen a healthy marriage, and I’m terrified of going through it myself.
Being a child of divorce leaves scars. It just does. The Lord heals the pain, but that divorce is never erased from your memory. My identity was shaken. I became the product of a broken home. But as the pieces were shaking, what came to the surface was that I was first and foremost a child of God. Should God strip away all the other labels that people place on me (daughter, sister, tree hugger, student, staffworker, etc), only that would remain.
Nevertheless, I didn’t realize until today just how scared I was of marriage because I’m afraid of divorce. I’m afraid of the arguments that come between two people who vowed to love each other till death do you part. I’m afraid of marrying the wrong person because I know how painful and earth shattering divorce is. And I know the bitterness and the resentment that can come.
I was talking on the phone to my best friend, and I told her my fear of being single. And she said–what’s meant to be will be. But I asked her–were my parents meant to get a divorce? Was that meant to be?? And I still am wrestling with God about the answer. I know that sin wormed its way into their marriage and rotted it from the insdie out. But was that part of God’s plan?
The Lord convicted me too, asking me…do you really believe that I work everything out for Good? Do you really believe that my plans always prevail in the end? Do you really believe that you can mess with life so badly that my plans do not come to fruition? Do you really believe that I am Sovereign??
So choose. Pray, consult, listen, use wisdom. But choose. Don’t live life in fear of making the wrong choices because no matter what you go through, I will be there. No matter what happens, I will use it for good. No matter what happens, I have you in my hands. No matter what happens, I am in control. No matter what happens, I love you and that is enough.
Do not fear impending danger. Do not fear evil derailing my plan. Do not fear a life of pain. Do not fear threats that are real or imagined. Because I am the Lord your God, and you are mine. Trust me.
When we seek to know the Lord, we aim to please him, and we find ourselves squarely in the will of the Lord. It’s not something to be sought, but something to be lived.
The antonyms to fear are courage,security, calm, and intrepidity. (Does this not sound like a life lived in freedom in the Lord?)
The cure to fear, however, is faith.